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August 2009

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No Sense Please, We're British

These are metaphors from actual GCSE essays (For non-brits they are our High School "graduation" exams we take at 16 once compulsory education ends) What I love about them is not only are they odd, but some of them are blatantly obvious and so so stupid, really mindnumbingly so but I cant help but laugh, if this is the future we are soooo screwed.


Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



I personally love the last one, as we so often staple our tongues to the wall.. what a stupid stupid person.
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Comments

these are really good, love. thanks. i enjoyed them so much. i esp like this one

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

it's sooo duh! obvious!
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.


Oh how I laughed
Ditto

Are we loving TORCHWOOD btw? GYM GIRL GYM! GYM! I SAY GYM!
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

Not low or high mind you - medium. Like Terry's cancer.
"Doctor Wivel says this was your tumor before, like an acorn.. now he says its the size of a grapefruit"

"Small grapefruit?!"

*solemn face* "Medium.." ¬_¬
I would like to challenge the fact that these are BRITISH quotes! Noone says ATM, surely? It should be all Lloyds-esque - they're CASHPOINTS!
Also we don't say dustcarts, thats such an American word.
We dont use the words lerraflupwat either..

but I do :D
I accept the challenge as I EDITED that one.. I took it upon myself to be super british and assume any non-brit was thick as shit basically.

You proud? :D
HAHAHAHHAHAHA I love these things!!! yes the last one is great, i guess brits often staple their tongues to the wall...for fun right?
Its a national past time, check the deleted scenes in Dr Who.. a whole segment was taken out :p lol
I cant believe I am living with you people! ;)